new chapter

You ever met somebody with "ugly swag" and by ugly swag I mean a woman or man who is not by yo standard attractive but their confidence, heart and personality make them attractive? For example lol Wayne jay-z or fabolous, or hell Steven Tyler and slash. I've met a man like that lol he is not someone I would consider gorgeous but he's funny, sweet and adores me not to mention we seem to be on the same page in life which is amazing in itself. I've never been in this situation before I guess its a sign of growing up and looking past someones outer appearance to find out who they are and if maybe you're compatible. We have a date next week so we shall see.BTW I'm finally over any remnant feeling I had for Jay past friendship I gave he and his girlfriend a ride tonight and it truly did not phase me...sometimes u just hit that point and realize this person is simply not for me.oh and Freddy will hate this but I think I'm past him too I believe we'd be great friends but I want nothing more from him its awkward and I'm not the one for him. So I guess we're moving on to a new chapter folks who's ready?! #ME

happy heart

It's beautiful outside well except for the storms. Have a lot on my mind but my heart is happy that is all.

where i stand??????

I think recently I've had a hard time accepting where I stand with the ppl in my life.I hear my friends complaining about their parents and I think to myself that person may nag u but u just got 4000 for a new car. And u just get whatever u want.. my dad doesn't do that for me he helps in other ways and I don't even have my mom so who r u to complain? And I'm no one's best friend I moved so my friends in Philly moved on but my friends down here have been here so they have their best friends so where do I fit in their lives? And man I've been played by so many guys I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of breaking my spirit no matter how much I cry I'll still believe in love and "prince charming" I know love isn't perfect I'm just waiting for the ppl willing to fight for and with me. Fyi when u put effort into someone and they let u down it's painful but it forces u to examine where u stand in life....

A Day of Love or Loneliness?

So with today being Valentine's Day you know I have something to say lol. Overview got a lot of text messages but not much more, granted I had to work tonight but for once I wanted someone who claimed to like/love me to make me feel special. Oddly enough a stranger gave me a dozen roses today at work "just because" he was cute but I was more in awe of him for simply thinking of me.What he did was more than Freddy, Ru or any of these other guys in my world did. He made me feel like I was special to someone. Thats the piece I think I've been missing. I hear their words but I just dont feel like I matter and thats what I crave. I've had and been a "side jawn" I know how they're treated and I never want to be that again. I dont want to come second to everything else. To be honest I havent had a "good" Valentine's Day since...well I cant really remember. Its a shame but I've settled for a lot less than Im worth and thankfully well hopefully Im through with that. Its not a sad day for me its more so a day of enlightening. Don't ignore the obvious...if he's the one who puts in effort put effort into him regardless of appearance and other superficial things...matters of the heart should only involve the heart. "If they really wanted you they'd go after you, chase you and if they dont then sit your happy ass back down and wait for the one who will"-Me talking to myself...HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY GUYS!

Relationships...not with men

If you thought this blog was just about me and the men I deal with...FAIL! I don't mention them much but I do have extensive relationships with my friends as well and I think its time we looked into them. Honest rant: I've lied, I've been a horrible person, I've done a lot of things Im not proud of but my friends I mean my real friends have always been there. I respect that because as ur friend I accept u flaws and all. I dont try to change u I just truly accept u. I dont like when people call someone their friend but don't like certain things about them and are willing to publish that to the world. If you lied and I knew it Im either going to call u out or let it go there is no in between...maybe u just needed to embellish ur life a little that day to make urself feel better.I make it a point to try and not belittle a friend for things they have done but too many women do. They can't just be a good friend without being judgmental or second guessing another woman. I admit thats been a problem for me in the past...when I felt like I was being judged or smelled "bullshit" I simply walked away from the friendship. By bullshit I mean smiling in my face and talking behind my back, trust breaks too easily to be fooled with. I remember a time when my soon to be stepmom told me my friends were telling her I smelled and abused my daughter...no one even asked me what was going on turns out I had a pelvic infection from giving birth and didnt even know it and the meds they gave me sent off a smell i couldn't get rid of (TMI I know) and I never abuse my daughter love her too much but since nobody asked me no one knew. I let that go and decided to let everyone back into my life because hopefully we've all matured past the ignorance...I want female friends I really do but we have got to get past judging each other and just be A REAL FRIEND!

NOT MAD WHEN I SHOULD BE....

Btw Im excited that more of my friends have decided to actually check out and read my blog it means a lot to me! AJust needed to get that off my chest. SO Freddy has a blog as well and I scanned through it today only to find that he thinks Im a joke and my posts are funny and he cant wait to see his future I'm guessing without me. Like the title says I wasn't mad but I think I was supposed to be. So of course I ask him about it first before I blow up and spaz like a nutcase (we all know I have that tendency) he says someone must've hacked his page judging by some of the stories I wouldn't put it past his ex or current friends..yet in still I don't know what to believe. And from what I've gathered about life if you doubt it you should be without it. I don't know he's just not something I can let go of so easily but at the same time I don't know whats keeping him in my heart so I'm a little confused. Maybe I just need something to take my mind off of him for a bit. In other news I had a heart to heart with Ru (yeah remember him the navy guy) and we're going to try again and I mean a friendship not a relationship because I think both of us were in a strange place last time. I wanted to be in a relationship too badly and I didn't even think about if I liked the person I just wanted the title. For this reason I also stopped talking to Young Tone the "baby" simply because Im not feeling him. Something strange though...I was talking to this guy named Cain a while ago and we had a good friendship but just when he began to escalate he fell back so I did too and it stayed that way for a few months, just recently he began hitting me up regularly on his lunchbreak and coming to see me at work Im not sure what to make of that. Either way I think I've made it pretty clear to everyone that I'm just dating...still enjoying the single life take it or leave it.

I forgot

Oh yeah had a great photo shoot with Freddy hopefully you guys will get to see the pics soon...maybe Idk since I've never seen any of the pictures he takes of me :-/ he's a good photographer though. And I met a new guy named Tone but we'll call him Cat Nip cause he's definitely cougar material for me at the ripe old age of just 21. So far just texting and talking right now and we went to the mall but...i'll keep u posted :)

Laugh About It

Sometimes when shit just goes completely wrong...all you can do is laugh about it. I know in my heart when Im not feeling somebody but occasionally I'll hang on just for the hell of it. Just until they give me a REASON to leave them alone. Like somehow me just not liking them as a lover isn't enough. I know I sound fickle but, I feel bad if I get bored because the sex is bad or Im just plain bored when Im with them. I make up this pretend thrill for them but when its all said and done I don't feel like I've missed anything. Any who, so K-Easy played me can't say I'm surprised or that I care much. He was one of those I tried to hold on to something I didn't really want so when he said he needed help getting his car fixed I said sure why not?! Yes I know I shouldn't have offered because being too generous is how I always get hurt but it was $55 so I did it...sue me! Well of course he gets his $55 and I haven't heard from him since lol. But I never developed true feelings for him so I really dont care just another sad story that Im beginning to get used to. And maybe my attitude would be different if I was getting good sex on the regular with something other than my hand. Had some here and there but it wasn't mine so...its just not as good. My friend Jackie gave me some good advice though she said I need to stop partying if I want someone to settle down with because the men that are still partying are not ready to settle down. And while that may be right I still like to party so does that mean Im not ready either????