For Better or Worse?????

Oh shit son! I forgot to tell ya'll just found out somebody close to me cheated on his wife and it made me think. I understand marriage and love is supposed to be a sacrifice but how much are you supposed to sacrifice? Your pride,  your heart, your dreams, your goals I mean really how much of yourself are you supposed to lose to be with someone who supposedly loves you for you. I hate seeing women chase men and give up their own hopes and dreams in the process. Luckily that is one thing i can say I've never done and don't plan to do. Because when situations like cheating arise how do you recover when you have nothing to fall back on. That marriage is your life, you invested your time and sacrificed everything that your significant other threw away. I don't think i could get over that. And then he apologized thru a text message and told her she wasn't gonna make him feel bad forever...if he knew he'd do better. I would think he should be on both knees begging at her feet. and as a woman what do u do? If u leave that could be the end of your marriage but if you stay are you saying what  he did was okay? And the men who don't do anything to support their families or are too controlling it just shocks me how much women put up for the sake of love or just because they are binded by a ring...I don't see it but maybe thats y I'm single

Oooookay UPDATE!

They say Gemini's can see right through the bullshit...I think they're right. I can tell if someone is truly in love with their significant other by the way they say his/her name. When u love someone u say their name differently like its safe inside your mouth, it just rolls off your tongue. So I listen for that when I talk to my friends and I know when its real. I think Jay and my other homie Weez always wondered why I had such extensive opinions its because I analyze everything from conversations to the look in your eyes. That being said I had a serious conversation with K-Easy today. He told me that when we first met he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and he thought we could just be friends with benefits forever but at the time I was focused on a relationship and he knew that so he strung me along just to get in my pants. (I said it was serious did I mention honest conversation) I gotta respect the honesty cause that took some cojones to say to my face knowing Im a little off but I didnt snap on him. I just asked so what changed cause obviously I stopped messing with him the first time around so that approach didnt work. He admitted that he started to really like me once he saw my emotions and got to know me as a person but by that time I didn't believe a word he said and I was done with him so he's been chasing me ever since, waiting for me to give him a chance. Whoa! yeah I said it just like that. Now don't think I've forgotten about Freddy cause ya'll know he is not just going to let some other guy have his girl just like that. We're supposed to spend some time together tomorrow, do a photo shoot and talk and chill. I think right now I told him we just need to talk and get to know each other and see if this is love or lust and if this where we really wanna be then we'll go from there...he agreed. I honestly don't know where all this is gonna go but it sounds fun right now lol. Oh and btw I've decided to go natural with my hair and join weight watchers and get back in the gym I'm still cute but I used to be better so I'm getting back to that cant be the bad bitch when u dont feel sexy so here we go...

Attitude vicious

Whooooo weee! My attitude has gotten completely out of control. I think I've taken being honest and blunt to a whole new level now. I damn near cursed me sister in law out today for what I thought was disrespecting my little brother. I mean I love her too but I dont like ppl talking shit about my family and I will defend them with my life. They say Im too passionate and I take things too personal but damn what am I supposed to do I like being a passionate person it keeps me from holding things in. To be honest I believe "Don't take it personal" is just excuse to say let me berate you but I dont want you to react to it harshly. That's just not going to work for me and if the ppl who say we're friends dont like it we don't have to be friends, I refuse to be meek and quiet anymore to apease others especially when Im not pleasing myself. I've taken it upon myself to be the honest friend, the friend who will tell you about yourself and still love you in the end. Take me as I am or not at all

So much more

So i was reading my girl Goldinggirl.com's blog and she raised a valid point in my mind. Why are women so afraid to admit their sexuality. Like I'm single I masturbate I have sex with men I'm not in a relationship with. WTF I have needs but Im far from a hoe. Im tired of being labeled as a hoe just because Im single and I decided to have sex with someone. I hate that women are so afraid to be themselves and accept themselves for who they are just because of what society may think. I ignore certain guys texts or calls when Im chillin with one of my guys I've had multiple men in my life at one time but like I said I have needs and if the men are willing and I think they're sexy and condoms are used whats the problem. Not to mention these are not the guys I wanted to be in a relationship with, just like a guy if I want to be in a relationship with a man I respect them enough not to treat them like a sex object and I expect the same respect from them which is where some of my rants come from. I'm not hiding my sexuality anymore I finally understand myself and my sexual prowess and I like it this way...call it what u want but I'm happy, single, "sex'd" up and in a good place with myself.

Big days!

Owwww! So I just got a publisher for my book! Ya'll know I write poetry big time and Im emotional when i write so Michael Baisden's publishers found me on the website I post to (www.gspoetry.com) and asked me if I'd like to participate in their series due out Summer 2013. So of course I said yes and Im stupid excited I finally feel like Im doing something that fits me. I dont even care if the book doesnt sell at least I can call myself an author and a writer and have something to show for it. My child will have something she can say her mommy did and left in a piece of history. In other news I think my ex is done with me and she has every right to be I never could deal with her emotions and the other day was just too much like she says she only came to me as a friend but u dont send ur friends 5 page texts about something they did. Anyway I went out with K-easy (thats what i call him) yesterday just cause I needed to get out and relieve some of this stress. HAD A BLAST! We went to the movies, TGI Fridays, and then had a few drinks at the bar. Like that was just the thing I needed no one trying to force sex out of me just a fun relaxing day. And I thought he was the one I couldnt trust but he did his thing yesterday totally opposite of what I or Jay expected. Backstory we used to be friends with benefits a while back so to be friends and just chill and get to know each other is very nice. IDK we'll see what happens from here. I know I can have a guard up sometimes but Im gonna try to do things a little differently and let things go whichever way they may. You know you'll get updates :)

Just Shut up (the ex girlfriend)

I was having a good easygoing day and then the ex girlfriend shows up Im not even gonna say her name and starts the same shit that f*cked us up the first time around. Asking me why I didnt mention our sex in the blog and that I dont blog about all the sex I have. What I choose to disclose is totally up to me if its not worth mentioning I wont mention it. Is that cool with everybody?? Then she goes on this 15 texts rampage cause she just has to get her thoughts out and she was just a pawn in my world, I need to stop being so judgmental the reason I think is not really why we didnt work and how I wasnt an option she just was wrong from jump I mean I just wanted to say shut up on some real shit. U were wrong but my daughter was around u and we were involved so I dont give a damn what else u have to say I will never be with u again more or less just because I dont need ridiculous arguments and 50 texts a day and the stress u bring. She is the reason i cant see myself dating another girl I have enough emotional moments I dont need urs too. That shit is ANNOYING! Ugh now I know how guys feel when I do that...yo my bad! I will try to never do it again lol

just a quick thought

It's kind of ironic huh that my heart is really broken like literally not figuratively. What if my doctor hadn't caught it and it got worse? He said I'd be prone to heart attacks and strokes so he's basically saying I could've...died from a broken heart hmmm

Feels So Good

Yo when I tell u it feels so good not to give a fuck!Like I havent called or text'd anybody u wanna get in touch with me pick up the phone, call or text hell email me but I wont be the one chasing anyone. I know it sounds shitty or stuck up but seriously I did it all for so long it was actually taking a lot of energy and emotions just to get through my days. I really can't let myself stress over the dumb shit anymore. I have a minor heart surgery coming up in March because my arrythmia (irregular heartbeat) is getting bad and really starting to hurt when it acts up so they're going to try this electroshock therapy and basically shock my heart back into the correct pulse. Im not scared but the first thing my doctor said was you need to stop stressing and lose a little weight so u can be as healthy as possible for this procedure. I mean he's right but not just for this procedure for life in general the stuff that stresses me out really isnt worth it in the end. Thats why I've stopped doing things like holding my tongue so if the shit I say confuses or offends u maybe u should think about why i said it and stop being oblivious to who u r and how u're perceived by other ppl. Maybe I say certain things to u to get ur attention because a lot of ppl just aren't living in reality.

UPDATE!!! LOL

Sorry I've been neglecting u guys lately. So first off let me hip u to this dude Weez. He's a guy I used to talk to back in high school who lives in a Philly and we basically just flirt back and forth on Twitter no big deal but I had to check him today cause he said "if I had a girl you'd probably still have sex with me" Uhhh negative captain I would not Im better than that. I like sex but that doesnt make me a ho. Lish (my ex girlfriend) was upset because I didnt write about our sex in the blog I mean really??? lol havent really heard from Freddy except to piss him off by saying I didnt feel like getting frisky the other night. Jay and I well u already know thats an ongoing thing but Im learning more about him and who he is day by day. Ru I havent heard from and dont want to. Honestly I want somebody who's real enough to want me for me and Im tired of the bullshitters everybody has their own breaking point and I think I've reached mine.

One of the poems I wrote when I was inspired

Noise Disturbance
by AGirlNamedJay
- This Poem is a response to the poem Checking Into Room 702 (I AM HE) by datboyjada


"Mmmm ahhh B don't stop.."
"Deeper baby please"
I know you feel me
I know you want me
Kiss me
Move your hands over my body
I want your lips on my neck all the way down to my breasts
I want your tonuge on my clit
I can't get enough of it
damn u got me wet
I think I'm in love with your sex
Make me scream moan and scream for more
Waking up 700 and 704
the way you make love to me
I can't even get out your government
all i can stutter is "Damn B"
and I know our neighbors hear me
across the hall in 701 and 703
Let the headboard hit the wall
I don't care if the front desk calls
grab my hips
Work me baby
like you're doing it for tips
You goin' turn me into a addict
Make it hard for me to quit
Baby you're the sh sh sh shit
I can't speak
I can't think
You're taking all of me
and I can feel you watching me
Smack it lick it
whatever u wanna do I'm with it
now let me get on top
Make you scream
"Got damn Jay don't stop!"
You're rockin with Ms. Carter
I go harder
Than anybody else you've been with
make me cum again and again
Round one
My body's quivering
Round two
Bend me over I know u like that too
Round three
Soon as we're done
I'm goin straight to sleep
and don't worry about hotel security
I didn't take that chance
We paid cash
so we won't be charged for the
Noise disturbance...
Just sneak out quietly in the morning

wont happen again

Where do I start? So I asked ru to a movie tonight just to relax and see where his mind is and to check on him. But he stood me up so...whatever I just tried to care wont happen again. Then last night Freddy comes over and I guess I was just praying things would be different but not so much I gave him a lapdance as requested and I thought it was a romantic idea so I went with it. Afterwards I just wanted to lay together and chill he wanted sex it didn't quite work out. So of course he had to leave big surprise huh? I feel so stupid he said if he states and fell asleep he wanted to be inside me...bullshit shouldn't being with me be enough if u say u love me. Like I said wont happen again...can't keep this shit up

Sometimes I fall in love with the possibilities. Before I love the person...just some things I'm realizing about myself I don't feel like working for love anymore I just want the man who accepts me for who I am to find me

Happy New Year

Hey guys happy new year! I didnt do much last night except think about new goals and things I want to accomplish this year. One of which as you undoubtedly expected to is establish a real relationship and settle down. Im almost 30 now and Im at that point in my life where I dont wanna bounce from guy to guy anymore. I want to be stable and work on another baby with the right guy. LOL Jay and I are good. Still havent heard from Ru and Kareem is a non-motherf*ckin factor lol. Now Freddy he and I are working on getting better with each other and learning one another. Im difficult to get to know since I keep a lot of stuff caged in and Its almost like Im scared to really be myself totally since it may not be what ppl expect. I would like to get to the point with someone soon that I feel comfortable with them meeting my daughter. She is awesome I love that kid, she acts just like me but unfortunately she's started realizing that the other little girls' at daycare have daddies and hers isnt around. It kinda hurts to hear her cry when I tell her that he isnt around but I dont wanna just jump into a relationship because of her needs I want to make sure its comfortable for everybody involved. You all deserve better from me and you're gonna get it. BTW Weight Watchers starts in February for me. wish me luck lol