The power of a lost love

So I went to the e.r. The other day for a sinus infection but while there I witnessed a real life love story. The young guy being rushed in by ambulance had just fallen off a 20 ft roof  and his family sat praying in the waiting room two doors down...his girlfriend sat crying alone saying that she was upset because she'd never told him she loved him and now may not get the chance. I thought to myself "that fuckin sucks" to love someone who loves you back and never know. Thankfully my doctor told me the man would be okay but the thought behind the girlfriends tears stuck with me. Then I read my friends blog about her own shock at the sudden loss of a past lover. It's just driving everything home for me at this point. Then to add insult to injury there also happened to be an old man pacing the hallways who admittedly was kind of annoying until I saw why he was there, his wife of 67 years had a heart attack and no one was sure she would make it. He just kept asking the doctors and nurses if they had updates and finally when one particular nurse got annoyed with him he said "ma'am I'm sorry but that woman has been my back bone for half of my life so if I lose her count me out too" I sat up and looked out in the hallway he had tears in his eyes and shit so did I. Love is a simple thing but losing love is a very powerful thing. That's the kind of shock that can change your life. There is at least a 50 year old age difference between everyone I mentioned but they were all going through the same thing. What would they have done differently? Did they do everything they said they would? What would happen next if this person leaves for a better place? I want the kind of love that old man had for his wife but I don't want to wait to say it. If its in my heart it's coming out and I admit this could be dangerous but I'll be damned if I lose the love of my life tomorrow without saying what i need to say today!

The one that loves you or the one you love???

We've all heard the saying "never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love" and it is positively true! But what about the other side of that when someone loves you but you love someone else who may or may not have the same feelings...what do you do? The one who loves you should obviously be the first answer but what if you just can't bring yourself to be happy with them? Will it grow on you? Then there's always mr. Or ms. Almost perfect (there's just that one little thing that bugs the hell out of you) they don't love you but you are head over heels for them. I've been on both sides of the fence and I honestly can't say either way is best. You can either get stuck with someone you don't love for the rest of your life and they spend the rest of their lives miserably trying to make you happy...never gonna happen or you go and be with the one who you love and spend the rest of your life miserably trying to make them happy. Isn't there a happy medium where you love me and I love you I know some people find it but then there are some indecisive fuckers like me who aren't even looking the right direction! Smh sidebar yes I do love Freddy but we've been back and forth so many times and he's trying so hard now I feel like I'm not trying hard enough...sometimes life just gets in the way but is it for a reason?

friendlationships??? yea that's what i said

SHIT im falling hard...but thats another story. todays question my brain conjured up is have you ever been in a friendlationship? Yea me neither until recently I'd never heard of it.apparently its when you have a friend of the opposite sex you've done everything with except date. for those two ppl they are everything to each other,literally cant pull away from each other if they tried and most likely they have. they're opposites who have a lot in common he's not her type and shes not his but they're perfect compliments for each other. they drive each other and are utterly fascinated by each other. but they have never tried to be in a relationship because of other lovers, schedules, their past or simply fear of actually falling in love with each other. like could it be possible that the woman/man you swore would never be your mate is possibly "the one" and they've been right there the whole time. i mean sure they said they were happy you were with someone else but even then you end in each others arms and it doesn't feel like cheating. it feels like that's where your supposed to be. at what point do you venture into the unknown and find out if its really the love you've been craving? What ifs are no fun...does your heart jump when u see their smile? Do u get happy when they text u? If you needed someone would they be there? Are they beautiful to you even at their worse? Do you wish you had more time to spend with them? Then chances are you're in love with your friendlationship

learn from my mistakes

So I'm 28 now and while I'm still a baby by most accounts. I've learned a lot from the things I shouldn't have done but did repeatedly. I've let many men take advantage of me in different ways but the fact remains you can't do the same things the same ways and expect different results. I have learned to say no and grow some balls...if they leave they leave its truly their loss because I've seen what kind of woman I am and I'm pretty damn good. I've given money with nothing in return except to be forgotten about or shoved into the somebody category when the one I supported got on his feet and starts making his own money. does it hurt hell yeah but am I mad not anymore...im still going to be a big hearted person I'm not going to care any less but I will be more careful and I will demand respect as a woman I have every right to. I would like to know why men in their late 20's early 30's in particular feel like we owe them something as if they can have what they want but don't need to do anything in return. like I've heard that more than once this week. you can disappear when it's date night but when you want to get in my.bed its all about me yeaaaa no even if we accept it that does not mean we're dumb enough not to see what's going on or that we will accept your pathetic offer again. our heads are in the game too we just choose when to showcase it. Oh and being a friend first truly leads to amazing relationships I can stand by that but dammit ladies do not let these idiots get all the privileges of being your man while he's calling you his "friend" make him man up and call you what you are...his woman...once again if he leaves its gonna suck but there's someone whose waiting to make it better...until next time bye luvs. :-) sincerely in a happy place

don't forget the batteries

So I'm sitting here with teardrop and my roommate and we're discussing women and vibrators... yes this inspired a post. I personally have never owned a dildo, my treasure chest involves a lot of products for his pleasure and a few for mine like flavored lube, warming massage oil etc...but apparently I'm missing out. there's this thing called the butterfly it fits like panties but its a vibrator and it has a wireless remote so you can be at dinner and just hand him the remote and cum before dessert lol. when your roommate runs a sex shop you learn a few things. more male customers than female, more older women and all that jazz but I think shaking it up a bit never hurts no matter who you are. so get yourself to a store grab a vibrator, some flavored warming lube, candy bra, and some caramel flavored whipped cream and have blast tonight...don't forget the batteries :-) liberate yourselves babies

this year rthough! ewww

so about this year so far...Im not feeling it. Gotta be out of the house by the 30th which I guess is a blessing in disguise cause I didnt wanna be there anyway. I heard from "the ex" aka CJ thats new again and then nothing again for 4 days and counting. Im really just thru! I dont wanna be an afterthought. I've always had that problem because I put my all into ppl when they put their all into me if Im an option to you then just assume Im pretending when we speak and you're an option to me. i want to settle down im ready for a family and a husband just to be real. i'm too old to be doing friends with benefits and boytoys now. If we're friends who have sex occasionally then thats all it is Im done being in love with men who arent in love with me. I want someone who owns my heart not just renting. speaking of which Freddy has been on point lately he's been there for me throughout this whole thing and oddly enough we went to a movie together a few days ago which is more than we've done and closer than we've been in 7 years. It makes me see him in a totally different light. There are more important things in life. Like finding somewhere to live and paying for my daughters birthday party. Im changing gyms too just ready for a change in my life Im not young wild and free anymore but it doesnt mean my life is over its just time for me to grow up...

Its been a minute

Sooo one of my friends told me I havent been posting enough but truthfully I have just been busy with life. I got laid off for the 2nd time in 2 years, my car blew a head gasket and my roommate is getting on my last nerve to the point where I'm not even home a lot and if I am Im in my room. I feel bad because she has been a big help to me and my daughter. She watches my daughter for free and we dont pay any rent at the house I just pay some bills here and there and help out where I can with food and gas but Im not just a leech she drives my car about 500 miles a week for work and I have to do all the repairs. That right there should be enough but no she also has a daycare that is running 24/7 yes 9 kids in and out of our house all the damn time Im tired and sometimes I just dont feel like dealing with other peoples kids. Now that Im working again I really dont feel like waking up early to watch one of her kids that comes before she gets home or going home and not being able to sit in my living room because there's 2 kids sleep or watching tv in there. I know thats how she pays the rent and bills but shit its annoying I dont really wanna buy food for the house because she gives it all to the daycare kids. I mean she makes good money at her night job just get a cheaper place! Oh and her neice who is pretty cool has my roommate washing her clothes every week Im not paying the water bill for that. I think she is so desperate to help everybody she is running herself into a hole and its beginning to piss me off because this is affecting my life. Did I mention there are 5 cats in the house too?! So yeah there's cat hair everywhere(except my room),cat food all over the kitchen making it look dirty,and there's always 10 eyes watching me or begging when I eat. I just dont like it anymore so every little thing bothers me. So Im looking for somewhere else to go.Oh and the ex that Im dating again just took like a week off from the relationship Im talking no calls or texts and no responses. He says he was stressed and had a lot on his mind that he just didnt feel like dealing with...cause I dont know what that feels like.His old phone is off and he felt like an apology and a few i love yous would do the trick but he doesnt know I've been damaged by that now I just want stability and action I dont care money or how much you've done for me in the past I look at the present and truth be told nobody is doing shit for me right now. BTW Jay has a new "friend" and I'm just praying for that girl. Im hoping he finally realizes the errors he made in the past and does right by this one although she's in the same pattern as the rest..."oh she's just a friend", "she's interesting"(they all have been), and jumping right into one after the other. I dont hate on him I just dont want him to be "that guy" the one no woman trusts because he's always looking for something better. I've been on both sides of that fence and it never works out...OH IS IT WRONG THAT I STILL MISS FREDDY? I just know he's not ready for our relationship...until next time FML

just lunch?

Quite an eventful week. So I'm still dating my ex but my mind is elsewhere. I have a crazy surgery coming up,I'm unemployed now, one of my cars blew a head gasket but I'm not phased by all that...well OK the surgery scares me. You know what else scares me FREDDY! We had lunch yesterday for his birthday which was very cool I finally felt like the couple I'd always thought we were lol ironically I feel that way now after were no longer a couple or even friends with benefits but we did share a long hug and a kiss guess 7 years never really just goes away.oh and my boyfriend has a habit of not calling for days at a time (yes that's just what he does don't read into it) but he should know leaving me to my own vices is a dangerous thing. When you're in a relationship all the old exes come out of the woodwork and I tend to answer when bored. Trying to be good ....I said trying

just dealing!

Still haven't heard from Freddy and to be honest I don't think he cares in the slightest that I'm not in his life anymore...he kinda looks at it like I was always a joke to him and that's what hurts the most. Been hanging out with one of my exes lately and he and I never had a real problem when we dated I was just young and not ready for the kind of commitment he wanted so I disappeared. I'm excited I get a second chance with him. A lot of bad things have been happening lately...lost my job, my head gasket blew and I'm struggling to get back to my family and of course men smh but man the power of friendship can be so extreme cause my girls have definitely helped me deal. There is one thing though what's to be said if you've been steadily having sex with one person for almost 3 years through different relationships on both sides and call each other best friends but have never tried a relationship? Hypothetically of course is this an obnoxious case of friends with benefits or are both parties missing something...

so much at one time

So much to tell u guys man where do I start? Well remember ru the navy guy well we haven't spoken for about a week come to find out he has a girl who is 9 months pregnant and everybody he's messed with over the past year including me have been his side chicks lol there was literally 15-20 women on his Facebook claiming to be his girlfriend ewwww nasty! I promptly burned everything he had at my house and other women said they were keying his car etc...he deserves all of it! He ran a good game I will say that he used his job as his excuse but damn Facebook gave up all his secrets just like. It does for everyone no surprise! On another note it's weird not hearing from Freddy everyday I'm pretty sure now that he is NOT interested in being just my friend but I can't continue the path we were on it was forced simply because of history and I think too many ppl fall into that trap of staying together just because its been a long time. I don't wanna be that victim oand end up on the wrong side of a love song. I loved him but I was done being in love with him.oh yeah my heart electrotherapy surgery is coming up and I'm still not scared I just know everything will be OK. I just found out my grandfather was a basketball legend in Philly and not many ppl knew about my dad because in his day (the 50's) being a black hoops star was hard enough nobody wanted to ruin his career with a child out of wedlock. I kinda understand just wish I'd had a chance to have known him. Well that's all for now but ill leave u with one question why do women hype up a new relationship while men tend to downplay it? I'll have that answer next time

new chapter

You ever met somebody with "ugly swag" and by ugly swag I mean a woman or man who is not by yo standard attractive but their confidence, heart and personality make them attractive? For example lol Wayne jay-z or fabolous, or hell Steven Tyler and slash. I've met a man like that lol he is not someone I would consider gorgeous but he's funny, sweet and adores me not to mention we seem to be on the same page in life which is amazing in itself. I've never been in this situation before I guess its a sign of growing up and looking past someones outer appearance to find out who they are and if maybe you're compatible. We have a date next week so we shall see.BTW I'm finally over any remnant feeling I had for Jay past friendship I gave he and his girlfriend a ride tonight and it truly did not phase me...sometimes u just hit that point and realize this person is simply not for me.oh and Freddy will hate this but I think I'm past him too I believe we'd be great friends but I want nothing more from him its awkward and I'm not the one for him. So I guess we're moving on to a new chapter folks who's ready?! #ME

happy heart

It's beautiful outside well except for the storms. Have a lot on my mind but my heart is happy that is all.

where i stand??????

I think recently I've had a hard time accepting where I stand with the ppl in my life.I hear my friends complaining about their parents and I think to myself that person may nag u but u just got 4000 for a new car. And u just get whatever u want.. my dad doesn't do that for me he helps in other ways and I don't even have my mom so who r u to complain? And I'm no one's best friend I moved so my friends in Philly moved on but my friends down here have been here so they have their best friends so where do I fit in their lives? And man I've been played by so many guys I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of breaking my spirit no matter how much I cry I'll still believe in love and "prince charming" I know love isn't perfect I'm just waiting for the ppl willing to fight for and with me. Fyi when u put effort into someone and they let u down it's painful but it forces u to examine where u stand in life....

A Day of Love or Loneliness?

So with today being Valentine's Day you know I have something to say lol. Overview got a lot of text messages but not much more, granted I had to work tonight but for once I wanted someone who claimed to like/love me to make me feel special. Oddly enough a stranger gave me a dozen roses today at work "just because" he was cute but I was more in awe of him for simply thinking of me.What he did was more than Freddy, Ru or any of these other guys in my world did. He made me feel like I was special to someone. Thats the piece I think I've been missing. I hear their words but I just dont feel like I matter and thats what I crave. I've had and been a "side jawn" I know how they're treated and I never want to be that again. I dont want to come second to everything else. To be honest I havent had a "good" Valentine's Day since...well I cant really remember. Its a shame but I've settled for a lot less than Im worth and thankfully well hopefully Im through with that. Its not a sad day for me its more so a day of enlightening. Don't ignore the obvious...if he's the one who puts in effort put effort into him regardless of appearance and other superficial things...matters of the heart should only involve the heart. "If they really wanted you they'd go after you, chase you and if they dont then sit your happy ass back down and wait for the one who will"-Me talking to myself...HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY GUYS!

Relationships...not with men

If you thought this blog was just about me and the men I deal with...FAIL! I don't mention them much but I do have extensive relationships with my friends as well and I think its time we looked into them. Honest rant: I've lied, I've been a horrible person, I've done a lot of things Im not proud of but my friends I mean my real friends have always been there. I respect that because as ur friend I accept u flaws and all. I dont try to change u I just truly accept u. I dont like when people call someone their friend but don't like certain things about them and are willing to publish that to the world. If you lied and I knew it Im either going to call u out or let it go there is no in between...maybe u just needed to embellish ur life a little that day to make urself feel better.I make it a point to try and not belittle a friend for things they have done but too many women do. They can't just be a good friend without being judgmental or second guessing another woman. I admit thats been a problem for me in the past...when I felt like I was being judged or smelled "bullshit" I simply walked away from the friendship. By bullshit I mean smiling in my face and talking behind my back, trust breaks too easily to be fooled with. I remember a time when my soon to be stepmom told me my friends were telling her I smelled and abused my daughter...no one even asked me what was going on turns out I had a pelvic infection from giving birth and didnt even know it and the meds they gave me sent off a smell i couldn't get rid of (TMI I know) and I never abuse my daughter love her too much but since nobody asked me no one knew. I let that go and decided to let everyone back into my life because hopefully we've all matured past the ignorance...I want female friends I really do but we have got to get past judging each other and just be A REAL FRIEND!

NOT MAD WHEN I SHOULD BE....

Btw Im excited that more of my friends have decided to actually check out and read my blog it means a lot to me! AJust needed to get that off my chest. SO Freddy has a blog as well and I scanned through it today only to find that he thinks Im a joke and my posts are funny and he cant wait to see his future I'm guessing without me. Like the title says I wasn't mad but I think I was supposed to be. So of course I ask him about it first before I blow up and spaz like a nutcase (we all know I have that tendency) he says someone must've hacked his page judging by some of the stories I wouldn't put it past his ex or current friends..yet in still I don't know what to believe. And from what I've gathered about life if you doubt it you should be without it. I don't know he's just not something I can let go of so easily but at the same time I don't know whats keeping him in my heart so I'm a little confused. Maybe I just need something to take my mind off of him for a bit. In other news I had a heart to heart with Ru (yeah remember him the navy guy) and we're going to try again and I mean a friendship not a relationship because I think both of us were in a strange place last time. I wanted to be in a relationship too badly and I didn't even think about if I liked the person I just wanted the title. For this reason I also stopped talking to Young Tone the "baby" simply because Im not feeling him. Something strange though...I was talking to this guy named Cain a while ago and we had a good friendship but just when he began to escalate he fell back so I did too and it stayed that way for a few months, just recently he began hitting me up regularly on his lunchbreak and coming to see me at work Im not sure what to make of that. Either way I think I've made it pretty clear to everyone that I'm just dating...still enjoying the single life take it or leave it.

I forgot

Oh yeah had a great photo shoot with Freddy hopefully you guys will get to see the pics soon...maybe Idk since I've never seen any of the pictures he takes of me :-/ he's a good photographer though. And I met a new guy named Tone but we'll call him Cat Nip cause he's definitely cougar material for me at the ripe old age of just 21. So far just texting and talking right now and we went to the mall but...i'll keep u posted :)

Laugh About It

Sometimes when shit just goes completely wrong...all you can do is laugh about it. I know in my heart when Im not feeling somebody but occasionally I'll hang on just for the hell of it. Just until they give me a REASON to leave them alone. Like somehow me just not liking them as a lover isn't enough. I know I sound fickle but, I feel bad if I get bored because the sex is bad or Im just plain bored when Im with them. I make up this pretend thrill for them but when its all said and done I don't feel like I've missed anything. Any who, so K-Easy played me can't say I'm surprised or that I care much. He was one of those I tried to hold on to something I didn't really want so when he said he needed help getting his car fixed I said sure why not?! Yes I know I shouldn't have offered because being too generous is how I always get hurt but it was $55 so I did it...sue me! Well of course he gets his $55 and I haven't heard from him since lol. But I never developed true feelings for him so I really dont care just another sad story that Im beginning to get used to. And maybe my attitude would be different if I was getting good sex on the regular with something other than my hand. Had some here and there but it wasn't mine so...its just not as good. My friend Jackie gave me some good advice though she said I need to stop partying if I want someone to settle down with because the men that are still partying are not ready to settle down. And while that may be right I still like to party so does that mean Im not ready either????

For Better or Worse?????

Oh shit son! I forgot to tell ya'll just found out somebody close to me cheated on his wife and it made me think. I understand marriage and love is supposed to be a sacrifice but how much are you supposed to sacrifice? Your pride,  your heart, your dreams, your goals I mean really how much of yourself are you supposed to lose to be with someone who supposedly loves you for you. I hate seeing women chase men and give up their own hopes and dreams in the process. Luckily that is one thing i can say I've never done and don't plan to do. Because when situations like cheating arise how do you recover when you have nothing to fall back on. That marriage is your life, you invested your time and sacrificed everything that your significant other threw away. I don't think i could get over that. And then he apologized thru a text message and told her she wasn't gonna make him feel bad forever...if he knew he'd do better. I would think he should be on both knees begging at her feet. and as a woman what do u do? If u leave that could be the end of your marriage but if you stay are you saying what  he did was okay? And the men who don't do anything to support their families or are too controlling it just shocks me how much women put up for the sake of love or just because they are binded by a ring...I don't see it but maybe thats y I'm single

Oooookay UPDATE!

They say Gemini's can see right through the bullshit...I think they're right. I can tell if someone is truly in love with their significant other by the way they say his/her name. When u love someone u say their name differently like its safe inside your mouth, it just rolls off your tongue. So I listen for that when I talk to my friends and I know when its real. I think Jay and my other homie Weez always wondered why I had such extensive opinions its because I analyze everything from conversations to the look in your eyes. That being said I had a serious conversation with K-Easy today. He told me that when we first met he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and he thought we could just be friends with benefits forever but at the time I was focused on a relationship and he knew that so he strung me along just to get in my pants. (I said it was serious did I mention honest conversation) I gotta respect the honesty cause that took some cojones to say to my face knowing Im a little off but I didnt snap on him. I just asked so what changed cause obviously I stopped messing with him the first time around so that approach didnt work. He admitted that he started to really like me once he saw my emotions and got to know me as a person but by that time I didn't believe a word he said and I was done with him so he's been chasing me ever since, waiting for me to give him a chance. Whoa! yeah I said it just like that. Now don't think I've forgotten about Freddy cause ya'll know he is not just going to let some other guy have his girl just like that. We're supposed to spend some time together tomorrow, do a photo shoot and talk and chill. I think right now I told him we just need to talk and get to know each other and see if this is love or lust and if this where we really wanna be then we'll go from there...he agreed. I honestly don't know where all this is gonna go but it sounds fun right now lol. Oh and btw I've decided to go natural with my hair and join weight watchers and get back in the gym I'm still cute but I used to be better so I'm getting back to that cant be the bad bitch when u dont feel sexy so here we go...

Attitude vicious

Whooooo weee! My attitude has gotten completely out of control. I think I've taken being honest and blunt to a whole new level now. I damn near cursed me sister in law out today for what I thought was disrespecting my little brother. I mean I love her too but I dont like ppl talking shit about my family and I will defend them with my life. They say Im too passionate and I take things too personal but damn what am I supposed to do I like being a passionate person it keeps me from holding things in. To be honest I believe "Don't take it personal" is just excuse to say let me berate you but I dont want you to react to it harshly. That's just not going to work for me and if the ppl who say we're friends dont like it we don't have to be friends, I refuse to be meek and quiet anymore to apease others especially when Im not pleasing myself. I've taken it upon myself to be the honest friend, the friend who will tell you about yourself and still love you in the end. Take me as I am or not at all

So much more

So i was reading my girl Goldinggirl.com's blog and she raised a valid point in my mind. Why are women so afraid to admit their sexuality. Like I'm single I masturbate I have sex with men I'm not in a relationship with. WTF I have needs but Im far from a hoe. Im tired of being labeled as a hoe just because Im single and I decided to have sex with someone. I hate that women are so afraid to be themselves and accept themselves for who they are just because of what society may think. I ignore certain guys texts or calls when Im chillin with one of my guys I've had multiple men in my life at one time but like I said I have needs and if the men are willing and I think they're sexy and condoms are used whats the problem. Not to mention these are not the guys I wanted to be in a relationship with, just like a guy if I want to be in a relationship with a man I respect them enough not to treat them like a sex object and I expect the same respect from them which is where some of my rants come from. I'm not hiding my sexuality anymore I finally understand myself and my sexual prowess and I like it this way...call it what u want but I'm happy, single, "sex'd" up and in a good place with myself.

Big days!

Owwww! So I just got a publisher for my book! Ya'll know I write poetry big time and Im emotional when i write so Michael Baisden's publishers found me on the website I post to (www.gspoetry.com) and asked me if I'd like to participate in their series due out Summer 2013. So of course I said yes and Im stupid excited I finally feel like Im doing something that fits me. I dont even care if the book doesnt sell at least I can call myself an author and a writer and have something to show for it. My child will have something she can say her mommy did and left in a piece of history. In other news I think my ex is done with me and she has every right to be I never could deal with her emotions and the other day was just too much like she says she only came to me as a friend but u dont send ur friends 5 page texts about something they did. Anyway I went out with K-easy (thats what i call him) yesterday just cause I needed to get out and relieve some of this stress. HAD A BLAST! We went to the movies, TGI Fridays, and then had a few drinks at the bar. Like that was just the thing I needed no one trying to force sex out of me just a fun relaxing day. And I thought he was the one I couldnt trust but he did his thing yesterday totally opposite of what I or Jay expected. Backstory we used to be friends with benefits a while back so to be friends and just chill and get to know each other is very nice. IDK we'll see what happens from here. I know I can have a guard up sometimes but Im gonna try to do things a little differently and let things go whichever way they may. You know you'll get updates :)

Just Shut up (the ex girlfriend)

I was having a good easygoing day and then the ex girlfriend shows up Im not even gonna say her name and starts the same shit that f*cked us up the first time around. Asking me why I didnt mention our sex in the blog and that I dont blog about all the sex I have. What I choose to disclose is totally up to me if its not worth mentioning I wont mention it. Is that cool with everybody?? Then she goes on this 15 texts rampage cause she just has to get her thoughts out and she was just a pawn in my world, I need to stop being so judgmental the reason I think is not really why we didnt work and how I wasnt an option she just was wrong from jump I mean I just wanted to say shut up on some real shit. U were wrong but my daughter was around u and we were involved so I dont give a damn what else u have to say I will never be with u again more or less just because I dont need ridiculous arguments and 50 texts a day and the stress u bring. She is the reason i cant see myself dating another girl I have enough emotional moments I dont need urs too. That shit is ANNOYING! Ugh now I know how guys feel when I do that...yo my bad! I will try to never do it again lol

just a quick thought

It's kind of ironic huh that my heart is really broken like literally not figuratively. What if my doctor hadn't caught it and it got worse? He said I'd be prone to heart attacks and strokes so he's basically saying I could've...died from a broken heart hmmm

Feels So Good

Yo when I tell u it feels so good not to give a fuck!Like I havent called or text'd anybody u wanna get in touch with me pick up the phone, call or text hell email me but I wont be the one chasing anyone. I know it sounds shitty or stuck up but seriously I did it all for so long it was actually taking a lot of energy and emotions just to get through my days. I really can't let myself stress over the dumb shit anymore. I have a minor heart surgery coming up in March because my arrythmia (irregular heartbeat) is getting bad and really starting to hurt when it acts up so they're going to try this electroshock therapy and basically shock my heart back into the correct pulse. Im not scared but the first thing my doctor said was you need to stop stressing and lose a little weight so u can be as healthy as possible for this procedure. I mean he's right but not just for this procedure for life in general the stuff that stresses me out really isnt worth it in the end. Thats why I've stopped doing things like holding my tongue so if the shit I say confuses or offends u maybe u should think about why i said it and stop being oblivious to who u r and how u're perceived by other ppl. Maybe I say certain things to u to get ur attention because a lot of ppl just aren't living in reality.

UPDATE!!! LOL

Sorry I've been neglecting u guys lately. So first off let me hip u to this dude Weez. He's a guy I used to talk to back in high school who lives in a Philly and we basically just flirt back and forth on Twitter no big deal but I had to check him today cause he said "if I had a girl you'd probably still have sex with me" Uhhh negative captain I would not Im better than that. I like sex but that doesnt make me a ho. Lish (my ex girlfriend) was upset because I didnt write about our sex in the blog I mean really??? lol havent really heard from Freddy except to piss him off by saying I didnt feel like getting frisky the other night. Jay and I well u already know thats an ongoing thing but Im learning more about him and who he is day by day. Ru I havent heard from and dont want to. Honestly I want somebody who's real enough to want me for me and Im tired of the bullshitters everybody has their own breaking point and I think I've reached mine.

One of the poems I wrote when I was inspired

Noise Disturbance
by AGirlNamedJay
- This Poem is a response to the poem Checking Into Room 702 (I AM HE) by datboyjada


"Mmmm ahhh B don't stop.."
"Deeper baby please"
I know you feel me
I know you want me
Kiss me
Move your hands over my body
I want your lips on my neck all the way down to my breasts
I want your tonuge on my clit
I can't get enough of it
damn u got me wet
I think I'm in love with your sex
Make me scream moan and scream for more
Waking up 700 and 704
the way you make love to me
I can't even get out your government
all i can stutter is "Damn B"
and I know our neighbors hear me
across the hall in 701 and 703
Let the headboard hit the wall
I don't care if the front desk calls
grab my hips
Work me baby
like you're doing it for tips
You goin' turn me into a addict
Make it hard for me to quit
Baby you're the sh sh sh shit
I can't speak
I can't think
You're taking all of me
and I can feel you watching me
Smack it lick it
whatever u wanna do I'm with it
now let me get on top
Make you scream
"Got damn Jay don't stop!"
You're rockin with Ms. Carter
I go harder
Than anybody else you've been with
make me cum again and again
Round one
My body's quivering
Round two
Bend me over I know u like that too
Round three
Soon as we're done
I'm goin straight to sleep
and don't worry about hotel security
I didn't take that chance
We paid cash
so we won't be charged for the
Noise disturbance...
Just sneak out quietly in the morning

wont happen again

Where do I start? So I asked ru to a movie tonight just to relax and see where his mind is and to check on him. But he stood me up so...whatever I just tried to care wont happen again. Then last night Freddy comes over and I guess I was just praying things would be different but not so much I gave him a lapdance as requested and I thought it was a romantic idea so I went with it. Afterwards I just wanted to lay together and chill he wanted sex it didn't quite work out. So of course he had to leave big surprise huh? I feel so stupid he said if he states and fell asleep he wanted to be inside me...bullshit shouldn't being with me be enough if u say u love me. Like I said wont happen again...can't keep this shit up

Sometimes I fall in love with the possibilities. Before I love the person...just some things I'm realizing about myself I don't feel like working for love anymore I just want the man who accepts me for who I am to find me

Happy New Year

Hey guys happy new year! I didnt do much last night except think about new goals and things I want to accomplish this year. One of which as you undoubtedly expected to is establish a real relationship and settle down. Im almost 30 now and Im at that point in my life where I dont wanna bounce from guy to guy anymore. I want to be stable and work on another baby with the right guy. LOL Jay and I are good. Still havent heard from Ru and Kareem is a non-motherf*ckin factor lol. Now Freddy he and I are working on getting better with each other and learning one another. Im difficult to get to know since I keep a lot of stuff caged in and Its almost like Im scared to really be myself totally since it may not be what ppl expect. I would like to get to the point with someone soon that I feel comfortable with them meeting my daughter. She is awesome I love that kid, she acts just like me but unfortunately she's started realizing that the other little girls' at daycare have daddies and hers isnt around. It kinda hurts to hear her cry when I tell her that he isnt around but I dont wanna just jump into a relationship because of her needs I want to make sure its comfortable for everybody involved. You all deserve better from me and you're gonna get it. BTW Weight Watchers starts in February for me. wish me luck lol